On World Heart Day - a letter to my heart

 

My dear Heart,

It has indeed been a long time getting
in touch with you. How have you been?

There has so much been happening
with you, around you, and inside you. The pandemic related fear and anxieties
have been affecting you a lot, I understand.  The news of ‘new and total cases’
are not reaching you now, as I have stopped accessing the news.  But, the news
of near and dear ones getting infected run deeper inside you.  That affects a lot,
I know.  In addition, I am exposed through
daily commuting to work in a carpool. The instances of visiting family members and
sharing sweet-bitter times with some friends have their share of tension too.  I also know that I have not been able to maintain
routines of physical exercises, meditation, creativity, and reading.  How
much one can do, right? – has been my reasoning for not being proactive at
things.

Things that money cannot buy have
always been important to you, I know.   Solace, joy, peace, to name a few are such
things you strive for time to time. 
Earlier, I have been spending money on travel with like-minded souls to
have these things.  The current pandemic situation has snatched those avenues of
rejuvenation too.  This loss affect you
more, I feel and I know.  And, the consolation that ‘this too shall pass’ does
not comfort anymore.  Because no one really knows when ‘this’ situation will
pass.  The long waiting for the returning to ‘normal’ has no end-point in near
future, it seems.  This is not only scary, but
is also disheartening.

क्या करे क्या न करे ये
कैसी मुश्किल हाय

कोई तो बता दे इसका हल ओ
मेरे भाई

In all these, you were alone.  I was so preoccupied dealing with my mental
issues.  I just did not realize that you, my dear heart, were in there all
alone, all the time beating and at times weeping silently.  I can now feel your
pain as I have felt the same helplessness at mind and body level too.  There is
only this much one can do and endure!  Giving up is easy.  Not taking precaution
is easy.  But being there and doing all one can, enduring the vulnerabilities,
and still, hoping for better tomorrow is difficult. And, doing these all alone,
without complaining is tougher.  My dear heart, I know, you have been struggling
and striving to survive all these times, all alone.  I now realize your struggle
as I have accepted my incapability and vulnerabilities. I always loved you
and adored you; I now admire you too.  I thank you for such silent staunch
support through the thick and thin, not only during the last six months but all
through life till now. 

All that I had – be it food,
thoughts, emotions, words, visuals, experiences, and what not – must have had some
effect on you.  But you, the stronger one, never complained.  Also, all that I had not done – be it exercise,
meditation, sharing sentiments as and when needed, having a balanced diet, and
god knows what – must also have affected you. And yet, you continued to beat, to
keep me upbeat so that I can propel myself upward and forward.

Kudos to your unconditional and unflinching
love and support ever since you started beating inside me.  That is before ‘I’ even existed.  This very thought is so humbling. I take so
much false pride in being in a driver seat. While you, my dear heart, existed so
naturally inside me before I even acquired my identity. 

Today, I accept my mistake of
nurturing myself so wrongly to yield a false power of being and becoming.  I am sorry, my dear heart. Please accept my
apologies, and guide me from now on.

- Yours truly Mind and
Body