Pain, Old age and Gender

Old age and its
associated problems are different for men and women. While illnesses and their
episodes could be similar in both cases, one’s reactions to his/her illness
make its impact – on oneself and on caretakers – very different. While most
women absorb the pain, most men exhibit it. I wonder why? 

One possible
explanation is cultural upbringing and attitudes towards gender related roles. Women,
feel all kinds of pain all through her life cycles. These could be mental,
emotional and physical pains. Right from adolescence onwards, women feel pain
every month. Menstruation and associated cramps, headache, exhaustion and
related body pain etc. make physical pain a regular companion. Hormone induced
mood swings and associated tenderness makes her strong in accepting and dealing
with mental and emotional issues like stress, anxiety and depression etc.
Physical relationships – specifically in context of women partner – also expose
her not only to bodily pain due to trauma and injuries, but also to mental and emotional
pains – all throughout the relationship, on and off. Pregnancy and child birth
associated pain has virtually no comparison to any form of human pain. Even
breastfeeding, at times, is pain inducing. All these are physiological aspects
of pain. Societal influence comes on top of all these and aggravates her
relationship with pains. Socially enforced and culturally sanctioned gender
roles expose her to plethora of physical, mental and emotional agony. A simple
example can be cooking; while men choose to burn their fingertips and
ultimately lungs through smoking, women, because of her cooking
responsibilities, get exposed to fire and smokes that ultimately affects her
lungs in longer run.  Over time, they
learn to feel, accept the feeling, absorb it or express it gracefully and
justly. By accepting humanly existence of pains, women also learn to share the
pain too. 

Men, on the
other hand, are pampered at all ages. As a child, young boy learns to use
crying as a weapon to seek attention. But, as he grows older, masculinity
snatches tears away from him.   Men are not supposed to cry; they are not
supposed to express pain, grief or sorrow. Of course, they experience such
negative feelings/emotions. But, they can only express all these through one
emotion i.e. anger.  Anger replaces
crying as child becomes adult. Throughout adulthood, men don’t develop ability
to express fear, despair, pain, sorrow etc. 
They either get angry or go numb as expressions of what they feel when
they are low or down.  

Anger is very
influencing in adulthood as in most cases men is the breadwinner of the family
and all family members are dependent on him. The obedience comes from fear of
anger and not from respect for the head of the household. This anger is no more
as sharp a weapon as it used to be as old age approaches; family members are no
more financially dependent on the men of the house. As the children grow, they
become the bread-earners and their anger becomes the guiding principle of the
household. The old man is no more obeyed as he used to be during his adulthood
reason being the guiding principle of obedience because of the fear of anger
and not respect. Most men do not invest in family relationships. Their
existence as head of the household, which is based on fear in the disguise of
false respect that is earned out of breadwinner role, falls flat in the old age
and agonize him further. Additionally, his heart and mind also no more
supportive; they have already suffered because of years of neglect and
indifference in form of addiction, discontent, stress, etc.  While on one hand, his anger is no more
bearing expected attention, his body has also weary now and starts to
give-up.  In old age when body gives up,
it is difficult for men to express bodily pain too. As they have never learnt
to feel, accept the feeling, absorb it or express and share it gracefully and
justly.  It is in this void of attention
and experience of physical, mental and emotional pain, crying re-surfaces. However,
crying is no more as just a companion for men as it is for women as men has not
invested in crying as companion in experiencing and expressing pain.  

Most of the time
caretakers of men are also other men who do not understand and cannot handle
tears and thus, the vicious cycle continues.  And thus, in old age men suffer more than
women and men’s caretakers too get exhausted faster than women’s. 

Men should
invest more in themselves – in their feelings, in experiencing various
emotions, in expressing them and in relationships that are built around and on
these things.  Pain is a constant companion
in old age. Men, better be prepared and practice from young age!!